Ballpark Etiquette Certification Card

The Zambrano stuff is just TOO easy. I’m going to go a different route this time. I went to both White Sox winners this past weekend, so far the most part it was a good time. Yes, I know, you’re happy for me. But dammit, people need to learn some ballpark etiquette! Hell, I’d be in favor of requiring all fans to go to a ballpark etiquette class every other year just so they can get through the damn turnstile. If it’s to a means of everybody in the park to having an even better time, I’m all for it. You must present your “Ballpark Etiquette Certification Card” with a photo ID before you can even present your ticket for game entry. I’m joking of course, but it’s really not a bad idea to generate some extra revenue if one had to pay a fee to receive said card and could create an entire department of jobs, but I’d rather there weren’t any “Etiquette Nazis” asking fans to present their card or be removed from the premises. All I’m really asking is for people to use their common sense to display some common courtesy and not be completely oblivious to those around them. There are many subtle things people can do or not do to make the game more enjoyable. For instance, all of the chairs are connected to each other and the quarters are close so it would be nice if you didn’t bounce your leg up and down as it’s brushing mine. Don’t kick the back of my seat if you don’t want me to “accidentally” spill something on you or smash your face into a jelly. If you’re a sore-loser Cubs fan leaving Comiskey early because your “Cubbies” are losing in the 5th inning and as you walk past two nice 50-something ladies who try to tell you that your fly is open, DON’T simulate masturbation and ejaculation as you stand on the stairs near the tunnel. The next courtesy goes for all levels of the ballpark, but especially for the upper deck where the seating is much steeper. During actual play of an inning, under no circumstances unless a medical emergency, stand out of your seat. Sit your ass down! You do not need to stand during any transaction with a vendor. If you’re such a slob that you can’t reach your wallet and it’s absolutely necessary to stand to get out money, do so rapidly between pitches so that no one behind you misses any of the game. One pitch can mean the whole game. If you stand, the row behind you has to stand and the row behind them had to stand and so on. I paid $35 to watch the game in the 500 level in the 18th row and all I can see is the back of your douchy haircut pulled back in a white headband with your sleeveless shirt to show the section that you have a pregnant worm for an arm. And when the people behind you DO tell you to sit your ass down, that’s not your cue to blow kisses at them, it means sit the F@CK down hillbilly!

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PREACH